just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

Advertisements

how much benedryl do i have left?

welppp…

didn’t even make the family party. my grandpa was there i hadn’t seen in years. mom completely forgot about me. didn’t hurt that bad last night, but this morning i had to cry it all out. i really just want to take a ton of sleeping pills and sleep the day away. but that isn’t a very adult thing to do. stuff like this would have me drinking by now normally. 

who’s mother forget’s them? she tried to call around 10 last night. then about twenties minutes ago this morning. i really don’t feel like talking right now. i can never get her to respond about anything. she must feel bad. she NEVER calls me. i was already a little upset about her bouncing a check on my costco account. who does that?

 

mom’s big one.

today it’s my mom’s birthday bash since she will be in chicago on her actual birthday. i haven’t once thought about how much alcohol there will be there until just now. which is why i decided to post.

i am not worried one bit. i am more worried i will stuff my face all day, but hey, 50 is a big one. i’ve been angry with my sister for being messy but today i’ll let it go. messy as in really dirty and she knows it bothers me.

according to ipromises i’m only 16 days sober. i already forgot when i quit. being strong in your decision to not drink is what made it easy for me. and if someone asks why i don’t drink, i tell them straight up, i can’t control my drinking. the look is priceless and that ends the annoying offers. 

the truth is, half the people there will most likely drink too much and know it. at least i stopped. 

i used to love free drinks. and any reason to get drink. esp birthdays. 

well fuck.

my heart hurts. but sometimes you realize something just won’t work. i want it to. but if i use my brain… i know it won’t. *sigh* i think i am thinking correctly so early on for once because i am sober. i would rather it hurt now, than a lot more later. 

thought about it all through yoga. i am in love with the idea but i have to do this for me.

go sharks. go warriors. 

still sober.

slim fast at twelve years old.

my fitness goal are slowly being met which is great. this is all because i quit drinking. for some reason tonight i thought about when my mom remarried and sent me to my nana’s for the summer to kinda get us out of her hair. she had a wedding to plan, and moved us to the bay area from sac. i can’t help but think about when my nana made me work out two times a day at the age of 12. she gave me a slim fast shake for breakfast and lunch. dinner was always salad with white wine vinegar. dessert was popcorn with nothing on it. i lost a good 10 pounds in a week and was actually happy about it. i was told i was fat so that is what i thought. she brought me to macy’s and said, “soon you can wear these clothes.” looking back at pictures i wasn’t that big. i was 12. i was fucking 12. i wonder how much this has really messed me up. i worked out for an hour, walked to the castro and back .(at least 3 miles) not to mention all of the walking i do around the city in general. so here i am. having butter lettuce with white wine vinegar. *sigh*

i’ve never talked to anyone about that. not to mention that my mom threw all of my belongings away and moved my sister and i into a guest room of our new step dad’s. this was all done while i was at my nana’s thinking i could be “pretty” if only i drank slim fast. we shared a bed in the “office” for a year in his little apartment before they were able to move. 

still sober.

 

<3

why must i like someone who lives a million miles away?

i felt really good today. thought about how i will be on the east coast from june first to fifteenth. i will be in chicago for 5 days, it will be my first time. hopefully handybook.com will finally cut us a check for the stuff our cleaning lady stole. 

still sober. 

holla!

wish she didn’t steal y scale so i could see how much weight i’ve lost. grr.