just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

how much benedryl do i have left?

welppp…

didn’t even make the family party. my grandpa was there i hadn’t seen in years. mom completely forgot about me. didn’t hurt that bad last night, but this morning i had to cry it all out. i really just want to take a ton of sleeping pills and sleep the day away. but that isn’t a very adult thing to do. stuff like this would have me drinking by now normally. 

who’s mother forget’s them? she tried to call around 10 last night. then about twenties minutes ago this morning. i really don’t feel like talking right now. i can never get her to respond about anything. she must feel bad. she NEVER calls me. i was already a little upset about her bouncing a check on my costco account. who does that?

 

mom’s big one.

today it’s my mom’s birthday bash since she will be in chicago on her actual birthday. i haven’t once thought about how much alcohol there will be there until just now. which is why i decided to post.

i am not worried one bit. i am more worried i will stuff my face all day, but hey, 50 is a big one. i’ve been angry with my sister for being messy but today i’ll let it go. messy as in really dirty and she knows it bothers me.

according to ipromises i’m only 16 days sober. i already forgot when i quit. being strong in your decision to not drink is what made it easy for me. and if someone asks why i don’t drink, i tell them straight up, i can’t control my drinking. the look is priceless and that ends the annoying offers. 

the truth is, half the people there will most likely drink too much and know it. at least i stopped. 

i used to love free drinks. and any reason to get drink. esp birthdays. 

well fuck.

my heart hurts. but sometimes you realize something just won’t work. i want it to. but if i use my brain… i know it won’t. *sigh* i think i am thinking correctly so early on for once because i am sober. i would rather it hurt now, than a lot more later. 

thought about it all through yoga. i am in love with the idea but i have to do this for me.

go sharks. go warriors. 

still sober.

slim fast at twelve years old.

my fitness goal are slowly being met which is great. this is all because i quit drinking. for some reason tonight i thought about when my mom remarried and sent me to my nana’s for the summer to kinda get us out of her hair. she had a wedding to plan, and moved us to the bay area from sac. i can’t help but think about when my nana made me work out two times a day at the age of 12. she gave me a slim fast shake for breakfast and lunch. dinner was always salad with white wine vinegar. dessert was popcorn with nothing on it. i lost a good 10 pounds in a week and was actually happy about it. i was told i was fat so that is what i thought. she brought me to macy’s and said, “soon you can wear these clothes.” looking back at pictures i wasn’t that big. i was 12. i was fucking 12. i wonder how much this has really messed me up. i worked out for an hour, walked to the castro and back .(at least 3 miles) not to mention all of the walking i do around the city in general. so here i am. having butter lettuce with white wine vinegar. *sigh*

i’ve never talked to anyone about that. not to mention that my mom threw all of my belongings away and moved my sister and i into a guest room of our new step dad’s. this was all done while i was at my nana’s thinking i could be “pretty” if only i drank slim fast. we shared a bed in the “office” for a year in his little apartment before they were able to move. 

still sober.

 

<3

why must i like someone who lives a million miles away?

i felt really good today. thought about how i will be on the east coast from june first to fifteenth. i will be in chicago for 5 days, it will be my first time. hopefully handybook.com will finally cut us a check for the stuff our cleaning lady stole. 

still sober. 

holla!

wish she didn’t steal y scale so i could see how much weight i’ve lost. grr.

tracy morgan.

feeling better.

one week strong of working out. an hour + a day. yesterday was my “off day” but i still did yoga for an hour and a half. and i walked a few miles to and from my meetings. stress is lowering. still major anxiety from being robbed again. discovered more things missing. including my first edition signed james franco book. you can’t put a price on things you like. trying to find the good in people again. i hate to think that this incident has caused as much anxiety as it has. but i did not drink. i did not smoke. and i must remember not everyone is out to get me. may seem like it all the time… must not judge any book by it’s cover. actually, if i had, this might not have happened… but the past is the past. OM. (;

i really wanted to smoke, but knowing i will be in manhattan shortly, i must look my best. it will be humid and hot as fuck. plus i will see people i have not seen in months. 

tracy morgan is hilarious. “every family has a crack head. white people just call them substance abusers.” ha!

 

beyond stressful day but didn’t drink. <3

long story short our cleaning lady robbed us. but thanks to twitter, i was able to catch her. i had to tweet the headquarters to get an answer. but an answer i got. after that they called in thirty seconds. there is so much more to the story but it has already taken up this whole day.

got some nice things at the farmer’s market for this week. went to yoga. decided to go to the castro meeting just because i like everyone so much. always a great time. like seriously, always wonderful. and extremely comedic.

booked my 10 day visit to new york. can’t wait to see five of my best friends that have ALL moved there in the last two years. that will be a real test. but it will also be neat to attend some meetings out there. i will be 28 june 12th. time flies when you aren’t doing shit.

sugar free rockstar.

for some reason around about 9ish i completely break down. like i put on a show all day to be “happy” and something tells my heart to break for whatever reason for the day. cut ties with most of my friends and the ones that really matter moved to new york yesterday. i’ve tried telling them i’m an alcoholic but i live in such a drinking city people just think i’m being silly. laugh it off then try to buy me a shot. it gets so heavy and seems to pull me down. with thousands of thoughts. thoughts of EVERYTHING. and then i feel sorry for myself and wish someone really understood how hard every day is. but i’ve been through a lot. lost hundreds of pounds, watched my best friend almost die in front of me… (and all the court dates and drama that came with that)… was the person who saved my ex-boyfriend’s life and was able to get him to the emergency room just in time to helicopter him to standford… i mean, the list goes on. the things that made me drink, will hopefully show me how strong i can be. even if it is alone.

not feeling to great this morning…

this too shall pass…