one week strong of working out. an hour + a day. yesterday was my “off day” but i still did yoga for an hour and a half. and i walked a few miles to and from my meetings. stress is lowering. still major anxiety from being robbed again. discovered more things missing. including my first edition signed james franco book. you can’t put a price on things you like. trying to find the good in people again. i hate to think that this incident has caused as much anxiety as it has. but i did not drink. i did not smoke. and i must remember not everyone is out to get me. may seem like it all the time… must not judge any book by it’s cover. actually, if i had, this might not have happened… but the past is the past. OM. (;
i really wanted to smoke, but knowing i will be in manhattan shortly, i must look my best. it will be humid and hot as fuck. plus i will see people i have not seen in months.
tracy morgan is hilarious. “every family has a crack head. white people just call them substance abusers.” ha!
long story short our cleaning lady robbed us. but thanks to twitter, i was able to catch her. i had to tweet the headquarters to get an answer. but an answer i got. after that they called in thirty seconds. there is so much more to the story but it has already taken up this whole day.
got some nice things at the farmer’s market for this week. went to yoga. decided to go to the castro meeting just because i like everyone so much. always a great time. like seriously, always wonderful. and extremely comedic.
booked my 10 day visit to new york. can’t wait to see five of my best friends that have ALL moved there in the last two years. that will be a real test. but it will also be neat to attend some meetings out there. i will be 28 june 12th. time flies when you aren’t doing shit.
for some reason around about 9ish i completely break down. like i put on a show all day to be “happy” and something tells my heart to break for whatever reason for the day. cut ties with most of my friends and the ones that really matter moved to new york yesterday. i’ve tried telling them i’m an alcoholic but i live in such a drinking city people just think i’m being silly. laugh it off then try to buy me a shot. it gets so heavy and seems to pull me down. with thousands of thoughts. thoughts of EVERYTHING. and then i feel sorry for myself and wish someone really understood how hard every day is. but i’ve been through a lot. lost hundreds of pounds, watched my best friend almost die in front of me… (and all the court dates and drama that came with that)… was the person who saved my ex-boyfriend’s life and was able to get him to the emergency room just in time to helicopter him to standford… i mean, the list goes on. the things that made me drink, will hopefully show me how strong i can be. even if it is alone.
not feeling to great this morning…
this too shall pass…
in an attempt to declutter my life, today is my own personal spring cleaning. i hate cleaning. especially in san francisco. about ten minutes after i have cleaned all the wood floors, there are dust bunnies. one down side of living in a victorian. i think there is a huge dust bunny family behind my dresser but i have been too afraid to look. to look at what my drinking has done to the cleanliness of my room. and my life. pretty sure this will take a good 5 hours. my sister is pretty messy and is always gone so i end up cleaning up after her. typical little sister.
today is a 6. three pounds down. feeling better. one day at a time.
this time of year is always rough for me. baseball is back. i won’t get into it now, but one of the worst things i ever did was very connected to the san francisco giants. i worked for them. *sigh* you’ll never know pain until your drinking causes you to loose the best job you’ve ever had. that was almost two years ago and i still think about it every day. i only went to one game last year, it was too painful. well anyway… go giants.
huge accomplishment: it’s only 6:30 and i finished my take home part of my design exam. but that is not the real accomplishment: i went to the same bistro one block from my house i always go to do work (my small apartment doesn’t have room for a desk.) BUT this time… NO BEER! i am a craft beer fanatic (or used to be) and this place is stocked full of all the local nor cal good stuff. i am proud to say i did not order a beer. things are already getting easier, even if my addicted mind thinks i write better/am more creative with a buzz on.
i never really understood the idea of a take home exam, but now i do. i learned so much with no time limit. i wrote two amazing image analyses. i should be proud of that. tomorrow we unveil our group sculpture. not sure how that will go. didn’t really get along with my group so i kind of let them do what they wanted. i compromised too much, but they were going in a completely different direction. i did, however, make sure that what i really cared about was included in the concept. *shrug*
today i am a 5 out of 10 in the mood department. slowly getting higher on the scale. one sober day at a time.
feeling just okay today. could be better, could be worse. thought about reconnecting with a friend that i miss, but then i thought about all the things about our relationship that made me feel shitty. i was def the better friend, so i need to remember that. everything is just a waiting game right now. like it has been the last few months. now, instead of waiting for employment/money things, i wait for personal enlightenment. you can’t get better over night. and you can’t lose it all in a week. i’ll get there. somehow.
tonight i go to sleep with an empty & heavy heart. goodnight.
went to a meeting tonight in the castro. was fun. right in the heart of the castro. within one block there are more than 10 bars. right there. i can only imagine some people’s struggle. i think i want to go to this one every week.