i was really close… almost out of the woods… until i get three voicemails from my dad… THIS close to making it a whole day without breaking down crying for whatever reason.
i left my phone in the kitchen after i got back from the gym. i didn’t hear it ring, not that i would, i always keep it on silent. he must be drunk… but my favorite one is the one where he says that “if his kids were worth anything they would answer the phone.” it’s surprising how voicemails only 26 seconds long can pack such a punch. i tried getting in contact with my mom today, but she didn’t respond. just asked how she was…
just like every alcoholic i don’t have the best parents. at least my mom got better as i got older, but before 12, she was pretty much the worst. i guess she tried and had to deal with a dick head who hardly worked. it was the typical 90s story. mom worked or went out when she had free time so we never had a dinner made. this is where i began my obsession with peanut butter out of the jar and eating top ramen raw. hot pockets and pringles. i wasn’t introduced to “normal people/healthy food” until i was a teenager. that’s what happens when you have kids when you are 20. you ruin their life, and yours.
i couldn’t even listen to the last message. i turned off my phone.
i think i am getting to be sober enough that i need to start retelling the horrible truths that are me when i am drinking. today is around the same time that i started drinking again, after the first time i had quit. everything was fine for the first few weeks. then i think we all know what happens. we realize we can not drink like normal… hundreds of dollars and usually a binge week later we try it again. we sweat it out and look back on bad decisions without understanding how we got there. why we are there and how do we really get out. this time for good… this time…
tonight’s dateline hit really close to home. it was about young women who were raped and murdered after heading home alone intoxicated. i used to start drinking after work at the bar close by. many of us would go. but i would stay… waking up the next morning in my bed with my my work clothes and the light on still. this bar was by my old job, not my house. at the time i worked on the beach, which is about an hour on the train, so it wasn’t like i was catching a cab home. besides, anyone who knows sf, knows it’s impossible to get a ride all the way down by the beach. i was your classic drunk, i’ve woken up with coworkers or other people in my bed. not knowing anything i said to them, or what we really did. they had to have known i was wasted, maybe they were just as wasted?
someone i really liked while still drinking text me the other day… he said he went into BLANK (don’t want to put what bar i used to work at on blast) and it made him think of me. that he missed me. he was a genuinely awesome guy. i really liked him. even drunk we would mess around and i wouldn’t let him finger me or anything. even drunk i hated myself. and what is funny, is that through all of my drunk sexual experiences, i never got anything out of it myself. did i really just want someone to spend time with me? pretend they liked me? there was a lot of dick sucking, which i guess is what drunk me thought would be best to prevent pregnancy? (thank god i did usually use condoms while blacked out.) i just wanted to make him happy… who ever he was… he must be the man of my dreams, right?
long story short i didn’t reply. there was no point.
i just discovered the PCT trail that goes from the mexican border to the canadian border. this is somethng i must do before i die. i can say that this is the very first thing i have actually put on my bucket list. the pacific crest trail takes 5 months to finish. this give me another reason to work out more and up my strength. my father would take me hiking when i was younger in tahoe, ect… i know how beautiful it is. i was born i sacramento, which is about 3-4 hours from the mountains and snow. my dad still goes up there almost every weekend to fish. he loves the mountains.
today was lovely. last day of class and my final project came out so much better than i thought. so excited for fall, i get to take adobe indesign and i have been wanting to for so long. photoshop, illustrator, indesign and basic film making. very excited. i am going to have to get back on the job hunt. this is not something i am happy about. funds are low and my hustle has recently cost me a couple thousand… show didn’t sell out like i had anticipated.
finishing up my rose & hibiscus water for tomorrow.
forcing myself to eat breakfast. it’s so hard for me. chia&buckwheat&flax with coconut almond milk for brekkie. most likely aloha green juice for lunch. huge salad for dinner.
being sober means crying twice a month. not because you are sad but because you have feelings again. instead of drinking i have a good cry. i usually feel better within the hour.