this is where things get tricky… 45 days sober.

i think i am getting to be sober enough that i need to start retelling the horrible truths that are me when i am drinking. today is around the same time that i started drinking again, after the first time i had quit. everything was fine for the first few weeks. then i think we all know what happens. we realize we can not drink like normal… hundreds of dollars and usually a binge week later we try it again. we sweat it out and look back on bad decisions without understanding how we got there. why we are there and how do we really get out. this time for good… this time…

tonight’s dateline hit really close to home. it was about young women who were raped and murdered after heading home alone intoxicated. i used to start drinking after work at the bar close by. many of us would go. but i would stay… waking up the next morning in my bed with my my work clothes and the light on still. this bar was by my old job, not my house. at the time i worked on the beach, which is about an hour on the train, so it wasn’t like i was catching a cab home. besides, anyone who knows sf, knows it’s impossible to get a ride all the way down by the beach. i was your classic drunk, i’ve woken up with coworkers or other people in my bed. not knowing anything i said to them, or what we really did. they had to have known i was wasted, maybe they were just as wasted?

someone i really liked while still drinking text me the other day… he said he went into BLANK (don’t want to put what bar i used to work at on blast) and it made him think of me. that he missed me. he was a genuinely awesome guy. i really liked him. even drunk we would mess around and i wouldn’t let him finger me or anything. even drunk i hated myself. and what is funny, is that through all of my drunk sexual experiences, i never got anything out of it myself. did i really just want someone to spend time with me? pretend they liked me? there was a lot of dick sucking, which i guess is what drunk me thought would be best to prevent pregnancy? (thank god i did usually use condoms while blacked out.) i just wanted to make him happy… who ever he was… he must be the man of my dreams, right?

long story short i didn’t reply. there was no point.

hardest day so far.

today is the first day in a while that i’ve really thought about drinking. i actually thought i was going to drink for sure today. there is half a bottle of wine in the kitchen and at least 10 minis everywhere. (sister gets them for free, flight attendant) i really thought i was going to drink some of the wine. i got through it though. only lasted about five minutes. who knows what would have happened if i would have drank that wine… 

just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

how much benedryl do i have left?

welppp…

didn’t even make the family party. my grandpa was there i hadn’t seen in years. mom completely forgot about me. didn’t hurt that bad last night, but this morning i had to cry it all out. i really just want to take a ton of sleeping pills and sleep the day away. but that isn’t a very adult thing to do. stuff like this would have me drinking by now normally. 

who’s mother forget’s them? she tried to call around 10 last night. then about twenties minutes ago this morning. i really don’t feel like talking right now. i can never get her to respond about anything. she must feel bad. she NEVER calls me. i was already a little upset about her bouncing a check on my costco account. who does that?

 

well fuck.

my heart hurts. but sometimes you realize something just won’t work. i want it to. but if i use my brain… i know it won’t. *sigh* i think i am thinking correctly so early on for once because i am sober. i would rather it hurt now, than a lot more later. 

thought about it all through yoga. i am in love with the idea but i have to do this for me.

go sharks. go warriors. 

still sober.

slim fast at twelve years old.

my fitness goal are slowly being met which is great. this is all because i quit drinking. for some reason tonight i thought about when my mom remarried and sent me to my nana’s for the summer to kinda get us out of her hair. she had a wedding to plan, and moved us to the bay area from sac. i can’t help but think about when my nana made me work out two times a day at the age of 12. she gave me a slim fast shake for breakfast and lunch. dinner was always salad with white wine vinegar. dessert was popcorn with nothing on it. i lost a good 10 pounds in a week and was actually happy about it. i was told i was fat so that is what i thought. she brought me to macy’s and said, “soon you can wear these clothes.” looking back at pictures i wasn’t that big. i was 12. i was fucking 12. i wonder how much this has really messed me up. i worked out for an hour, walked to the castro and back .(at least 3 miles) not to mention all of the walking i do around the city in general. so here i am. having butter lettuce with white wine vinegar. *sigh*

i’ve never talked to anyone about that. not to mention that my mom threw all of my belongings away and moved my sister and i into a guest room of our new step dad’s. this was all done while i was at my nana’s thinking i could be “pretty” if only i drank slim fast. we shared a bed in the “office” for a year in his little apartment before they were able to move. 

still sober.

 

beyond stressful day but didn’t drink. <3

long story short our cleaning lady robbed us. but thanks to twitter, i was able to catch her. i had to tweet the headquarters to get an answer. but an answer i got. after that they called in thirty seconds. there is so much more to the story but it has already taken up this whole day.

got some nice things at the farmer’s market for this week. went to yoga. decided to go to the castro meeting just because i like everyone so much. always a great time. like seriously, always wonderful. and extremely comedic.

booked my 10 day visit to new york. can’t wait to see five of my best friends that have ALL moved there in the last two years. that will be a real test. but it will also be neat to attend some meetings out there. i will be 28 june 12th. time flies when you aren’t doing shit.

giants and dust bunnies.

in an attempt to declutter my life, today is my own personal spring cleaning. i hate cleaning. especially in san francisco. about ten minutes after i have cleaned all the wood floors, there are dust bunnies. one down side of living in a victorian. i think there is a huge dust bunny family behind my dresser but i have been too afraid to look. to look at what my drinking has done to the cleanliness of my room. and my life. pretty sure this will take a good 5 hours. my sister is pretty messy and is always gone so i end up cleaning up after her. typical little sister. 

today is a 6. three pounds down. feeling better. one day at a time.

this time of year is always rough for me. baseball is back. i won’t get into it now, but one of the worst things i ever did was very connected to the san francisco giants. i worked for them. *sigh* you’ll never know pain until your drinking causes you to loose the best job you’ve ever had. that was almost two years ago and i still think about it every day. i only went to one game last year, it was too painful. well anyway… go giants.