a drunk carrying around a big book.

so today was okay i guess. cracked my lip but that was the worst of it. did a ton of laundry. looking at flights back home. going to visit for a week since i have the time. want to see my mom. i also want to see how the bay area makes me feel after six months. very excited to eat everything though. ca def has better food in my opinion.

i was rummaging through my purse and at the bottom was the little blue big book. i think that is insane since i would have it with me when i would get plastered in midtown after work. what a fucking joke. what if someone found that? sad really.

thanks dad…

i was really close… almost out of the woods… until i get three voicemails from my dad… THIS close to making it a whole day without breaking down crying for whatever reason. 

i left my phone in the kitchen after i got back from the gym. i didn’t hear it ring, not that i would, i always keep it on silent. he must be drunk… but my favorite one is the one where he says that “if his kids were worth anything they would answer the phone.” it’s surprising how voicemails only 26 seconds long can pack such a punch. i tried getting in contact with my mom today, but she didn’t respond. just asked how she was… 

just like every alcoholic i don’t have the best parents. at least my mom got better as i got older, but before 12, she was pretty much the worst. i guess she tried and had to deal with a dick head who hardly worked. it was the typical 90s story. mom worked or went out when she had free time so we never had a dinner made. this is where i began my obsession with peanut butter out of the jar and eating top ramen raw. hot pockets and pringles. i wasn’t introduced to “normal people/healthy food” until i was a teenager. that’s what happens when you have kids when you are 20. you ruin their life, and yours. 

i couldn’t even listen to the last message. i turned off my phone.

this is where things get tricky… 45 days sober.

i think i am getting to be sober enough that i need to start retelling the horrible truths that are me when i am drinking. today is around the same time that i started drinking again, after the first time i had quit. everything was fine for the first few weeks. then i think we all know what happens. we realize we can not drink like normal… hundreds of dollars and usually a binge week later we try it again. we sweat it out and look back on bad decisions without understanding how we got there. why we are there and how do we really get out. this time for good… this time…

tonight’s dateline hit really close to home. it was about young women who were raped and murdered after heading home alone intoxicated. i used to start drinking after work at the bar close by. many of us would go. but i would stay… waking up the next morning in my bed with my my work clothes and the light on still. this bar was by my old job, not my house. at the time i worked on the beach, which is about an hour on the train, so it wasn’t like i was catching a cab home. besides, anyone who knows sf, knows it’s impossible to get a ride all the way down by the beach. i was your classic drunk, i’ve woken up with coworkers or other people in my bed. not knowing anything i said to them, or what we really did. they had to have known i was wasted, maybe they were just as wasted?

someone i really liked while still drinking text me the other day… he said he went into BLANK (don’t want to put what bar i used to work at on blast) and it made him think of me. that he missed me. he was a genuinely awesome guy. i really liked him. even drunk we would mess around and i wouldn’t let him finger me or anything. even drunk i hated myself. and what is funny, is that through all of my drunk sexual experiences, i never got anything out of it myself. did i really just want someone to spend time with me? pretend they liked me? there was a lot of dick sucking, which i guess is what drunk me thought would be best to prevent pregnancy? (thank god i did usually use condoms while blacked out.) i just wanted to make him happy… who ever he was… he must be the man of my dreams, right?

long story short i didn’t reply. there was no point.

hardest day so far.

today is the first day in a while that i’ve really thought about drinking. i actually thought i was going to drink for sure today. there is half a bottle of wine in the kitchen and at least 10 minis everywhere. (sister gets them for free, flight attendant) i really thought i was going to drink some of the wine. i got through it though. only lasted about five minutes. who knows what would have happened if i would have drank that wine… 

just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

how much benedryl do i have left?

welppp…

didn’t even make the family party. my grandpa was there i hadn’t seen in years. mom completely forgot about me. didn’t hurt that bad last night, but this morning i had to cry it all out. i really just want to take a ton of sleeping pills and sleep the day away. but that isn’t a very adult thing to do. stuff like this would have me drinking by now normally. 

who’s mother forget’s them? she tried to call around 10 last night. then about twenties minutes ago this morning. i really don’t feel like talking right now. i can never get her to respond about anything. she must feel bad. she NEVER calls me. i was already a little upset about her bouncing a check on my costco account. who does that?

 

mom’s big one.

today it’s my mom’s birthday bash since she will be in chicago on her actual birthday. i haven’t once thought about how much alcohol there will be there until just now. which is why i decided to post.

i am not worried one bit. i am more worried i will stuff my face all day, but hey, 50 is a big one. i’ve been angry with my sister for being messy but today i’ll let it go. messy as in really dirty and she knows it bothers me.

according to ipromises i’m only 16 days sober. i already forgot when i quit. being strong in your decision to not drink is what made it easy for me. and if someone asks why i don’t drink, i tell them straight up, i can’t control my drinking. the look is priceless and that ends the annoying offers. 

the truth is, half the people there will most likely drink too much and know it. at least i stopped. 

i used to love free drinks. and any reason to get drink. esp birthdays. 

well fuck.

my heart hurts. but sometimes you realize something just won’t work. i want it to. but if i use my brain… i know it won’t. *sigh* i think i am thinking correctly so early on for once because i am sober. i would rather it hurt now, than a lot more later. 

thought about it all through yoga. i am in love with the idea but i have to do this for me.

go sharks. go warriors. 

still sober.