so today was okay i guess. cracked my lip but that was the worst of it. did a ton of laundry. looking at flights back home. going to visit for a week since i have the time. want to see my mom. i also want to see how the bay area makes me feel after six months. very excited to eat everything though. ca def has better food in my opinion.
i was rummaging through my purse and at the bottom was the little blue big book. i think that is insane since i would have it with me when i would get plastered in midtown after work. what a fucking joke. what if someone found that? sad really.
which i need to constantly remember in order to not drink. things that hurt and have long healed are still huge examples of why i can not drink. i am not like other people.
should i move back to california? if i do it will be very soon, like in two weeks. i must decide now.
boiling fresh chickpeas. bought a new huge tea mug. trying to get back to normal…
one week strong of working out. an hour + a day. yesterday was my “off day” but i still did yoga for an hour and a half. and i walked a few miles to and from my meetings. stress is lowering. still major anxiety from being robbed again. discovered more things missing. including my first edition signed james franco book. you can’t put a price on things you like. trying to find the good in people again. i hate to think that this incident has caused as much anxiety as it has. but i did not drink. i did not smoke. and i must remember not everyone is out to get me. may seem like it all the time… must not judge any book by it’s cover. actually, if i had, this might not have happened… but the past is the past. OM. (;
i really wanted to smoke, but knowing i will be in manhattan shortly, i must look my best. it will be humid and hot as fuck. plus i will see people i have not seen in months.
tracy morgan is hilarious. “every family has a crack head. white people just call them substance abusers.” ha!
so before i start my work, i would like to use this relaxing free time to find more sober blogs. i really want to stick to it. my life has never been easy, i’ve had to deal with extreme low self esteem and a shitty childhood. but these are things i have overcome. and being a drunk is the next thing i must over come. i can not achieve any of the things i would like to if i do not, and turn into my dad. full of regrets. i have worked very hard to get into shape which is another daily struggle. i often wish i could be normal, and just float by effortlessly day to day. yet i know this is possible… i just have more to over come than others.
but anyway… any good sober blogs i should be following?
i refuse to work in a bar again. it was fun, but that is not the life i want to live. and i am not capable of living that fun life. i am an alcoholic. i can’t just have a beer or two and feel complete. and i love craft beer. le sigh.
i am starving and dreading going to the particular store that is very close to me. it’s like a diabetes breeding ground. it’s almost a week. 12:16 and i’d kill for a cider in a frosted pint glass. seems fitting. i’ve always enjoyed day drinking. i continue to try to think about the empty calories in alcohol to help motivate me as well.
i know i am an alcoholic because i continually think about drinking when i am not occupied. must… stay… occupied. guess i’ll grad some food and head to the gym. i’ve got some work i need to make up before midterm grades. today will be productive. i hope.