keepn’ on…

on any given day, there are at least ten things i can think of wanting to do but do not do them. instead i’ll smoke weed. which is why i have addressed the issue as much as i can. i want to paint my room, set up the standing garden on the back patio to plant greens for salads, (harder than it sounds since we are on the third floor and share the space with a couple hippies from the 70’s that refuse to throw anything away.) fix my dresser, (i’ve had it for over 10 years and the finish is destroyed) batch some fruity kombucha, make hummus and vegan tatziki. (sp?) i also have two library books that are about two months past due. must… return those… i am embarrassed to admit one is the new bridget jones. those books are so easy to read… plus the idiotic romance is a fav of mine in the state that i am in… 

i also need to: clean my room, do laundry, clean out pantry, bring down all the junk from the porch that is ours downstairs… GYM! lol…

i guess i better get to work. if i could get rid of cable i would. it keeps me in a lot more than i would like to admit. san francisco is full of awesome shit. i could even just go for long walks to feel better really… internet costs just about as much as it does with cable included so we decided to keep the “deal” we have.

 

 

anxiety first thing when i wake up…

today i took the whole day for just me. i am still in my “physical recovery” phase. body is tired. mind is foggy. i did have a goal of at least working out. oh well. i can take this whole week since it is spring break. i actually don’t have anything planned for tomorrow either. 

looking into what i need to do in order to become a certified trainer. this is a realistic goal for the end of the year. 

i have my try-out (stage) at 3. i am nervous, not of the job, but because of my appearance. my self esteem is so low right now. still sober.

…

so before i start my work, i would like to use this relaxing free time to find more sober blogs. i really want to stick to it. my life has never been easy, i’ve had to deal with extreme low self esteem and a shitty childhood. but these are things i have overcome. and being a drunk is the next thing i must over come. i can not achieve any of the things i would like to if i do not, and turn into my dad. full of regrets. i have worked very hard to get into shape which is another daily struggle. i often wish i could be normal, and just float by effortlessly day to day. yet i know this is possible… i just have more to over come than others.

but anyway… any good sober blogs i should be following? 

i refuse to work in a bar again. it was fun, but that is not the life i want to live. and i am not capable of living that fun life. i am an alcoholic. i can’t just have a beer or two and feel complete. and i love craft beer. le sigh.

classes & interviews.

i had to leave one of my design classes early in order to go to these interviews. today i had two, both of which went well. i have another tomorrow. both are good. one would be more fun than the other. but both equally good money. if i am lucky, i will get both. then i can do doubles for a few months and build my savings back up. classes are much less difficult than i had anticipated, otherwise i wouldn’t work so much. these last few months off have not been the most exciting of times. i am not used to being on such a budget and do not like it. i really do need my spending money. i like to go out to eat. doesn’t have to be expensive, as we have so many great places in sf. i just NEED variety and amazing food. i am spoiled. but no one should not be spoiled when it comes to nutrition. 😛

i haven’t really wanted to drink because the dummies are out everywhere for st. pattie’s. so annoying. one drinking holiday i am happy to miss. cheers! 

breathe.

feeling better finally. this morning i woke up in my mom’s spare room which was nice. i like to go to the suburbs as a kind of escape. i’m heading back to the city in a couple minutes. i love the mattress  had a long talk with my mom about my childhood, failures, sobriety (even though she has no idea how bad my addiction is) and what causes us to fill those empty holes. every lie i keep inside is making it harder to stay sober. these are things i know. we talked about the fact that my dad used to lie about anything and everything when he was drunk. and that this has caused a huge amount of shame for him. he still drinks but i know he doesn’t drink hard liquor. who knows what happened to cause that. still doesn’t chance the fact that he is an alcoholic. 

once i get back in the city i am heading straight to the gym. then laundry. i need to get in weights and cardio. it is insane how bad i feel if i don’t work out. i have to. it is necessary for me to not be in a complete depression. it sucks, but at least i have realized this over the years. today i have yet to eat anything bad for me. i need to make up for the last few days.

 

nsync.

check, check… twitter trial. recovering alcoholic blog. join me on my journey. i am always looking for support. female, san francisco. 

i am still getting used to this site. today i felt very sorry for myself until about two. although i knew i was just being a dramatic beez. i really dwell on all of the stupid shit i did. i can’t stop thinking about some things. it’s horrible, what i have done to myself. i can’t burn bridges. especially in this business. but i have. my drinking caused that. 

i am at my mom’s house just visiting. she lives in the bay area as well. she always has amazing food and every channel available so i catch up on my ru paul’s drag race and everything on hbo. i haven’t decided if i am going to the interview tomorrow. if i don’t i am free all weekend. 

i have been so upset with myself i haven’t wanted to drink at all. granted, it’s only been two days. at first i thought three, but i drank that morning. classy.

i promise to update more often. i am just wiped from these last too recovery days. i was really tired all day yesterday. 

right now i am watching “tom green live” on axstv. (no idea what channel this is, lol) it’s annoying. he has his parents on. 

i would like more blogs to follow. (:

 

not even day one yet.

like many of you i am starting my journey to true sobriety. i really want this blog to be raw and help me get through the urges that i give into. tonight my sister has 8 people over in our small san francisco apartment. there is alcohol everywhere. i’ve only had one fancy craft cocktail i made with the new vintage glasses we got from the thrift store. they have been drinking all day. seriously all day. lol. vegan white russians, then bottomless mimosas at the drag buffet, now knob creek & beer.

i am searching for a pretty planter to buy and plant gorgeous flowers in once i get a new job. two interviews next week. wish me luck.

keep on keepin on.

i am looking for people to follow and add to my support system. follow me and i will follow you back. i will slowly open up more on here. i had to delete my tumblr due to a stalker so i am weary of just anyone. but i plan on being very open and vulnerable, so i must protect me. 

❤