feel like i should be happier. in general.

good afternoon beautiful souls. this will be short and sweet since lexi will not let me type. she is so sweet & loves to play. 

i’ve got beyonce & pixies tickets. i head to chi & nyc soon. shouldn’t i be happier?

30 days sober. (:

about to make batches of raw vegan dressings for the week. cheers.

hardest day so far.

today is the first day in a while that i’ve really thought about drinking. i actually thought i was going to drink for sure today. there is half a bottle of wine in the kitchen and at least 10 minis everywhere. (sister gets them for free, flight attendant) i really thought i was going to drink some of the wine. i got through it though. only lasted about five minutes. who knows what would have happened if i would have drank that wine… 

just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

slim fast at twelve years old.

my fitness goal are slowly being met which is great. this is all because i quit drinking. for some reason tonight i thought about when my mom remarried and sent me to my nana’s for the summer to kinda get us out of her hair. she had a wedding to plan, and moved us to the bay area from sac. i can’t help but think about when my nana made me work out two times a day at the age of 12. she gave me a slim fast shake for breakfast and lunch. dinner was always salad with white wine vinegar. dessert was popcorn with nothing on it. i lost a good 10 pounds in a week and was actually happy about it. i was told i was fat so that is what i thought. she brought me to macy’s and said, “soon you can wear these clothes.” looking back at pictures i wasn’t that big. i was 12. i was fucking 12. i wonder how much this has really messed me up. i worked out for an hour, walked to the castro and back .(at least 3 miles) not to mention all of the walking i do around the city in general. so here i am. having butter lettuce with white wine vinegar. *sigh*

i’ve never talked to anyone about that. not to mention that my mom threw all of my belongings away and moved my sister and i into a guest room of our new step dad’s. this was all done while i was at my nana’s thinking i could be “pretty” if only i drank slim fast. we shared a bed in the “office” for a year in his little apartment before they were able to move. 

still sober.


beyond stressful day but didn’t drink. <3

long story short our cleaning lady robbed us. but thanks to twitter, i was able to catch her. i had to tweet the headquarters to get an answer. but an answer i got. after that they called in thirty seconds. there is so much more to the story but it has already taken up this whole day.

got some nice things at the farmer’s market for this week. went to yoga. decided to go to the castro meeting just because i like everyone so much. always a great time. like seriously, always wonderful. and extremely comedic.

booked my 10 day visit to new york. can’t wait to see five of my best friends that have ALL moved there in the last two years. that will be a real test. but it will also be neat to attend some meetings out there. i will be 28 june 12th. time flies when you aren’t doing shit.


huge accomplishment: it’s only 6:30 and i finished my take home part of my design exam. but that is not the real accomplishment: i went to the same bistro one block from my house i always go to do work (my small apartment doesn’t have room for a desk.) BUT this time… NO BEER! i am a craft beer fanatic (or used to be) and this place is stocked full of all the local nor cal good stuff. i am proud to say i did not order a beer. things are already getting easier, even if my addicted mind thinks i write better/am more creative with a buzz on. 

i never really understood the idea of a take home exam, but now i do. i learned so much with no time limit. i wrote two amazing image analyses. i should be proud of that. tomorrow we unveil our group sculpture. not sure how that will go. didn’t really get along with my group so i kind of let them do what they wanted. i compromised too much, but they were going in a completely different direction. i did, however, make sure that what i really cared about was included in the concept. *shrug*

today i am a 5 out of 10 in the mood department. slowly getting higher on the scale. one sober day at a time.