forcing myself to eat breakfast. it’s so hard for me. chia&buckwheat&flax with coconut almond milk for brekkie. most likely aloha green juice for lunch. huge salad for dinner. 

still sober.

being sober means crying twice a month. not because you are sad but because you have feelings again. instead of drinking i have a good cry. i usually feel better within the hour.

hardest day so far.

today is the first day in a while that i’ve really thought about drinking. i actually thought i was going to drink for sure today. there is half a bottle of wine in the kitchen and at least 10 minis everywhere. (sister gets them for free, flight attendant) i really thought i was going to drink some of the wine. i got through it though. only lasted about five minutes. who knows what would have happened if i would have drank that wine… 

just floating along… 3 more months of unemployment. i’ll be on the east coast the two weeks i have inbetween sessions. i am taking a summer class. ugh. then back on the grind. i am taking a film making class that makes me happy.

still sober.

slim fast at twelve years old.

my fitness goal are slowly being met which is great. this is all because i quit drinking. for some reason tonight i thought about when my mom remarried and sent me to my nana’s for the summer to kinda get us out of her hair. she had a wedding to plan, and moved us to the bay area from sac. i can’t help but think about when my nana made me work out two times a day at the age of 12. she gave me a slim fast shake for breakfast and lunch. dinner was always salad with white wine vinegar. dessert was popcorn with nothing on it. i lost a good 10 pounds in a week and was actually happy about it. i was told i was fat so that is what i thought. she brought me to macy’s and said, “soon you can wear these clothes.” looking back at pictures i wasn’t that big. i was 12. i was fucking 12. i wonder how much this has really messed me up. i worked out for an hour, walked to the castro and back .(at least 3 miles) not to mention all of the walking i do around the city in general. so here i am. having butter lettuce with white wine vinegar. *sigh*

i’ve never talked to anyone about that. not to mention that my mom threw all of my belongings away and moved my sister and i into a guest room of our new step dad’s. this was all done while i was at my nana’s thinking i could be “pretty” if only i drank slim fast. we shared a bed in the “office” for a year in his little apartment before they were able to move. 

still sober.