this is where things get tricky… 45 days sober.

i think i am getting to be sober enough that i need to start retelling the horrible truths that are me when i am drinking. today is around the same time that i started drinking again, after the first time i had quit. everything was fine for the first few weeks. then i think we all know what happens. we realize we can not drink like normal… hundreds of dollars and usually a binge week later we try it again. we sweat it out and look back on bad decisions without understanding how we got there. why we are there and how do we really get out. this time for good… this time…

tonight’s dateline hit really close to home. it was about young women who were raped and murdered after heading home alone intoxicated. i used to start drinking after work at the bar close by. many of us would go. but i would stay… waking up the next morning in my bed with my my work clothes and the light on still. this bar was by my old job, not my house. at the time i worked on the beach, which is about an hour on the train, so it wasn’t like i was catching a cab home. besides, anyone who knows sf, knows it’s impossible to get a ride all the way down by the beach. i was your classic drunk, i’ve woken up with coworkers or other people in my bed. not knowing anything i said to them, or what we really did. they had to have known i was wasted, maybe they were just as wasted?

someone i really liked while still drinking text me the other day… he said he went into BLANK (don’t want to put what bar i used to work at on blast) and it made him think of me. that he missed me. he was a genuinely awesome guy. i really liked him. even drunk we would mess around and i wouldn’t let him finger me or anything. even drunk i hated myself. and what is funny, is that through all of my drunk sexual experiences, i never got anything out of it myself. did i really just want someone to spend time with me? pretend they liked me? there was a lot of dick sucking, which i guess is what drunk me thought would be best to prevent pregnancy? (thank god i did usually use condoms while blacked out.) i just wanted to make him happy… who ever he was… he must be the man of my dreams, right?

long story short i didn’t reply. there was no point.

tracy morgan.

feeling better.

one week strong of working out. an hour + a day. yesterday was my “off day” but i still did yoga for an hour and a half. and i walked a few miles to and from my meetings. stress is lowering. still major anxiety from being robbed again. discovered more things missing. including my first edition signed james franco book. you can’t put a price on things you like. trying to find the good in people again. i hate to think that this incident has caused as much anxiety as it has. but i did not drink. i did not smoke. and i must remember not everyone is out to get me. may seem like it all the time… must not judge any book by it’s cover. actually, if i had, this might not have happened… but the past is the past. OM. (;

i really wanted to smoke, but knowing i will be in manhattan shortly, i must look my best. it will be humid and hot as fuck. plus i will see people i have not seen in months. 

tracy morgan is hilarious. “every family has a crack head. white people just call them substance abusers.” ha!

 

keepn’ on…

on any given day, there are at least ten things i can think of wanting to do but do not do them. instead i’ll smoke weed. which is why i have addressed the issue as much as i can. i want to paint my room, set up the standing garden on the back patio to plant greens for salads, (harder than it sounds since we are on the third floor and share the space with a couple hippies from the 70’s that refuse to throw anything away.) fix my dresser, (i’ve had it for over 10 years and the finish is destroyed) batch some fruity kombucha, make hummus and vegan tatziki. (sp?) i also have two library books that are about two months past due. must… return those… i am embarrassed to admit one is the new bridget jones. those books are so easy to read… plus the idiotic romance is a fav of mine in the state that i am in… 

i also need to: clean my room, do laundry, clean out pantry, bring down all the junk from the porch that is ours downstairs… GYM! lol…

i guess i better get to work. if i could get rid of cable i would. it keeps me in a lot more than i would like to admit. san francisco is full of awesome shit. i could even just go for long walks to feel better really… internet costs just about as much as it does with cable included so we decided to keep the “deal” we have. :/

 

 

so before i start my work, i would like to use this relaxing free time to find more sober blogs. i really want to stick to it. my life has never been easy, i’ve had to deal with extreme low self esteem and a shitty childhood. but these are things i have overcome. and being a drunk is the next thing i must over come. i can not achieve any of the things i would like to if i do not, and turn into my dad. full of regrets. i have worked very hard to get into shape which is another daily struggle. i often wish i could be normal, and just float by effortlessly day to day. yet i know this is possible… i just have more to over come than others.

but anyway… any good sober blogs i should be following? 

i refuse to work in a bar again. it was fun, but that is not the life i want to live. and i am not capable of living that fun life. i am an alcoholic. i can’t just have a beer or two and feel complete. and i love craft beer. le sigh.