so today was okay i guess. cracked my lip but that was the worst of it. did a ton of laundry. looking at flights back home. going to visit for a week since i have the time. want to see my mom. i also want to see how the bay area makes me feel after six months. very excited to eat everything though. ca def has better food in my opinion.
i was rummaging through my purse and at the bottom was the little blue big book. i think that is insane since i would have it with me when i would get plastered in midtown after work. what a fucking joke. what if someone found that? sad really.
which i need to constantly remember in order to not drink. things that hurt and have long healed are still huge examples of why i can not drink. i am not like other people.
should i move back to california? if i do it will be very soon, like in two weeks. i must decide now.
got a ton of shit down. whew.
not going back.
i almost forgot i had this. times are rough so i am back and hoping this helps. i also have a tumblr. i have also moved from san francisco to new york city.
getting ready & pulling an all nighter so that i can hopefully sleep on the plane. my two week east coast vacation starts now. my sister is a flight attendant so i’ll be offered a million free drinks on the plane. i’ll also be seeing multiple best friends that just a year ago knew the “normal drinker” me. so the “i’ve told you i have a drinking problem, don’t be a dick” me will be up and ready. i bleached the kitchen up and down and it looks beautiful. this is what i expect when i get home. i start summer school (4, 5 hour long classes a week) the next day so as long as my roommate respects my wishes all will be well when i get home. i need this vacay. it also always makes me appreciate san francisco and how different/awesome it is from the east coast. i’ve been starting to take my situation for granted. oh, and speaking of my wonderful situation, rent just went up 90 bucks. thanks google. 😛
i plan on getting a new canon rebel at b and h when i get to nyc. photos to come.
i was really close… almost out of the woods… until i get three voicemails from my dad… THIS close to making it a whole day without breaking down crying for whatever reason.
i left my phone in the kitchen after i got back from the gym. i didn’t hear it ring, not that i would, i always keep it on silent. he must be drunk… but my favorite one is the one where he says that “if his kids were worth anything they would answer the phone.” it’s surprising how voicemails only 26 seconds long can pack such a punch. i tried getting in contact with my mom today, but she didn’t respond. just asked how she was…
just like every alcoholic i don’t have the best parents. at least my mom got better as i got older, but before 12, she was pretty much the worst. i guess she tried and had to deal with a dick head who hardly worked. it was the typical 90s story. mom worked or went out when she had free time so we never had a dinner made. this is where i began my obsession with peanut butter out of the jar and eating top ramen raw. hot pockets and pringles. i wasn’t introduced to “normal people/healthy food” until i was a teenager. that’s what happens when you have kids when you are 20. you ruin their life, and yours.
i couldn’t even listen to the last message. i turned off my phone.
today was lovely. last day of class and my final project came out so much better than i thought. so excited for fall, i get to take adobe indesign and i have been wanting to for so long. photoshop, illustrator, indesign and basic film making. very excited. i am going to have to get back on the job hunt. this is not something i am happy about. funds are low and my hustle has recently cost me a couple thousand… show didn’t sell out like i had anticipated.
finishing up my rose & hibiscus water for tomorrow.
forcing myself to eat breakfast. it’s so hard for me. chia&buckwheat&flax with coconut almond milk for brekkie. most likely aloha green juice for lunch. huge salad for dinner.