so today was okay i guess. cracked my lip but that was the worst of it. did a ton of laundry. looking at flights back home. going to visit for a week since i have the time. want to see my mom. i also want to see how the bay area makes me feel after six months. very excited to eat everything though. ca def has better food in my opinion.
i was rummaging through my purse and at the bottom was the little blue big book. i think that is insane since i would have it with me when i would get plastered in midtown after work. what a fucking joke. what if someone found that? sad really.
which i need to constantly remember in order to not drink. things that hurt and have long healed are still huge examples of why i can not drink. i am not like other people.
should i move back to california? if i do it will be very soon, like in two weeks. i must decide now.
got a ton of shit down. whew.
not going back.
i almost forgot i had this. times are rough so i am back and hoping this helps. i also have a tumblr. i have also moved from san francisco to new york city.
i was really close… almost out of the woods… until i get three voicemails from my dad… THIS close to making it a whole day without breaking down crying for whatever reason.
i left my phone in the kitchen after i got back from the gym. i didn’t hear it ring, not that i would, i always keep it on silent. he must be drunk… but my favorite one is the one where he says that “if his kids were worth anything they would answer the phone.” it’s surprising how voicemails only 26 seconds long can pack such a punch. i tried getting in contact with my mom today, but she didn’t respond. just asked how she was…
just like every alcoholic i don’t have the best parents. at least my mom got better as i got older, but before 12, she was pretty much the worst. i guess she tried and had to deal with a dick head who hardly worked. it was the typical 90s story. mom worked or went out when she had free time so we never had a dinner made. this is where i began my obsession with peanut butter out of the jar and eating top ramen raw. hot pockets and pringles. i wasn’t introduced to “normal people/healthy food” until i was a teenager. that’s what happens when you have kids when you are 20. you ruin their life, and yours.
i couldn’t even listen to the last message. i turned off my phone.