forcing myself to eat breakfast. it’s so hard for me. chia&buckwheat&flax with coconut almond milk for brekkie. most likely aloha green juice for lunch. huge salad for dinner. 

still sober.

well fuck.

my heart hurts. but sometimes you realize something just won’t work. i want it to. but if i use my brain… i know it won’t. *sigh* i think i am thinking correctly so early on for once because i am sober. i would rather it hurt now, than a lot more later. 

thought about it all through yoga. i am in love with the idea but i have to do this for me.

go sharks. go warriors. 

still sober.

tracy morgan.

feeling better.

one week strong of working out. an hour + a day. yesterday was my “off day” but i still did yoga for an hour and a half. and i walked a few miles to and from my meetings. stress is lowering. still major anxiety from being robbed again. discovered more things missing. including my first edition signed james franco book. you can’t put a price on things you like. trying to find the good in people again. i hate to think that this incident has caused as much anxiety as it has. but i did not drink. i did not smoke. and i must remember not everyone is out to get me. may seem like it all the time… must not judge any book by it’s cover. actually, if i had, this might not have happened… but the past is the past. OM. (;

i really wanted to smoke, but knowing i will be in manhattan shortly, i must look my best. it will be humid and hot as fuck. plus i will see people i have not seen in months. 

tracy morgan is hilarious. “every family has a crack head. white people just call them substance abusers.” ha!

 

beyond stressful day but didn’t drink. <3

long story short our cleaning lady robbed us. but thanks to twitter, i was able to catch her. i had to tweet the headquarters to get an answer. but an answer i got. after that they called in thirty seconds. there is so much more to the story but it has already taken up this whole day.

got some nice things at the farmer’s market for this week. went to yoga. decided to go to the castro meeting just because i like everyone so much. always a great time. like seriously, always wonderful. and extremely comedic.

booked my 10 day visit to new york. can’t wait to see five of my best friends that have ALL moved there in the last two years. that will be a real test. but it will also be neat to attend some meetings out there. i will be 28 june 12th. time flies when you aren’t doing shit.

alcohol withdrawal.

W I T H D R A W A L.

looking up meetings in SF tonight. i just don’t know if i can make it… before i drink. i started writing this at 5:30… its 6:26 now. it’s only been half an hour. i’m fucked. why can’t i just be normal? …just to calm my nerves… the rest is fucking history. then back at square one tomorrow. i am so much better. at one point i was beautiful, smart and creative. what have i done? what have i done? 

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?

I WISH SOMEONE KNEW. i wish someone was here for me too.

MUST BE STRONG… will be strong. 

right. just keep on. 

anxiety first thing when i wake up…

today i took the whole day for just me. i am still in my “physical recovery” phase. body is tired. mind is foggy. i did have a goal of at least working out. oh well. i can take this whole week since it is spring break. i actually don’t have anything planned for tomorrow either. 

looking into what i need to do in order to become a certified trainer. this is a realistic goal for the end of the year.